Posts Tagged ‘sexuality’

Empowerment, Inspiration and Creativity in sex and all aspects of your life

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

As a counsellor specialising in sexual and relationship issues one would think that I hear all sorts of outrageous stories about my clients’ sexual experiences. And I do. Some would think it’s the dream job; talking about sex all day- what more could I want? And, well, yes it’s true, it is my dream job and I love it. But aside from all of this I also hear endless stories about individuals and couples that are looking for more in aspects of their lives that don’t seem to have anything to do with sex. They don’t just come to sessions wanting to heat things up in the bedroom but they often talk about issues that go much deeper.

 

Believe it or not a lot of the work I do involves the exploration of issues that go right to the core of my clients’ sense of existence on this earth. Deep huh? Yep. And they occur on multiple levels. The first level is clients’ dreams for their romantic relationships such as wanting a richer and deeper sexual connection with their partner, improving intimacy and exploring with their partner. The second level involves deeply personal issues such as the development of self-esteem, self-exploration (in whatever form that may take!), greater consciousness, spirituality, assertiveness skills, the search for happiness and even finding inner peace.  And the third level deals with life skills and challenges such as reaching financial security, finding the dream job, achieving a balanced lifestyle, good health, pursuing studies, hobbies, travel and friendships. It’s a lot to deal with and I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all struggled with some, if not all of these issues in our lives.

 

What I’ve found is that for many of my clients (and myself included!) to feel truly empowered, inspired and creative in their sex lives they often need to work on many of the aspects just described.  I’ll give you an example. John presents for counselling with erectile dysfunction. His wife complains that they don’t have sex any more and even when they try he struggles with his erections. Hmmm…seems a simple case of Erectile Dysfunction. But when I dig a little deeper, John reveals that he has been working 60-hour weeks in the same job for 15 years. When asked why he keeps doing it he answers “because, well, what else is there to do?” 6 months ago he was diagnosed with depression and his doctor warned him that if he didn’t change his eating and exercise habits he would become a candidate for diabetes and cardiovascular disease. After some time working with John and his wife, he was able to feel strong enough to change his work schedule, invest in his health, make more time for his family and have a healthier, more fulfilling and connected sexual and relationship with his wife. It took some time and lots of dedication, but John is a happier man for it now.

 

We all have room to grow, evolve and become more empowered, inspired and creative. For more information on how check out my new workship ‘Lovin your Loving’.

 

Signing off.

Christina

 

The Sex Coach: Become A Sexual Explorer!

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.

Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:

Touch your partner with items of different texture and temperature. Try a feather, a piece of silk, a body brush, a loofah. Try things that have been heated or cooled, such as warm oil or ice-blocks. Use everyday items: the end of a belt, a scarf, a fork, the back of a spoon… The possibilities are endless.

Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receivers hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).
Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gerkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)

Arouse the olfactory: have scented candles or an oil burner in the room; wave perfume or essential oils or fresh herbs under their nose (and run the latter over their body)

Have music playing, and vary the types of music, noting the difference on how it affects your love-making and sensory play. Try putting headphones on one person while the other does delicious things to their body. Bang bongoes together, play a Tibetan singing bowl, tuning forks, rub the rim of a crystal glass or create some other interesting sounds.

And sight, the main sense. Try simply looking at each other, holding the gaze for a number of minutes. Have one look at the other, just simply looking – this can be initially confronting for the receiver, but can become highly erotic and arousing. Do a slow undress or striptease, model lingerie or do a simple yet sensual dance for your partner.

Then combine all the elements in various ways. This is wonderful play that arouses and pleasures without even having to involve the genitals. The possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination.

So go forth and play! Become sensual explorers and experiment with sensation and the senses to take yourselves to new places of eroticism and sensuality…

To experience more, I suggest you attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops. And for the ultimate experience for sensual explorers, attend “In the Realm of Enchantment” a couple’s Tantra Fusion retreat in Dalat, Vietnam, next June.

The Sex Coach: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality

Saturday, October 29th, 2011

You might have become one of those people who have closed off from their senses, experiencing the world primarily through the mind. It’s common enough. I don’t want to downplay the importance of cerebral activity, the mental sphere is vital to engaging in life and is important in love-making too. But making love when you’re all in your head is just not on a par with making love with full sensual awareness.

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?

As you become more sensual in your love-making, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of love-making, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.

You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it.

This shift to sensuality is doubly important when you apply it to your own body image – this is a message particularly important to women. The media brainwashes us to believe that “sexy” equals the type of body that most women only have in their youth, if even then. That’s why I advocate letting go of the “sexy” stuff and embracing the sensual. “Sexy” does have this image of a perfect, young body that’s horny and lusty and ready to go. Not the way most woman generally feels.

Now consider the concept of “sensual”. It’s softer, rounder, gentler, full of depth and warmth – rather like the bodies of women! Sex between long-term lovers is like this too, less raunchy and a whole lot more loving and gorgeous (not to imply that it can’t be incredibly raunchy too, it just doesn’t have to confirm to raunchy stereotypes). It’s the type of sex you can only have with a long-term partner, and the type of sex you can only have if you appreciate your gorgeous, sensual body.

You’re not going to absorb this message from the mass media, so you’re going to have make the mind-shift yourself. Think sensual:
– think sensual in the shower: rub soap over yourself and love the softness and the roundness;
– think sensual as you move through the day: feel your hips swaying, your breasts moving (picture how full-figured African or Latin American women move, it’s poetry);
– think sensual as your partner caresses your curves;
– think sensual as you caress your own curves when you make love.

Loving your body is a challenge for most people, men as well as women, and the challenge is harder as we age and become less like the media-generated idealised image of sexy. But if you can let go of that unrealistic ideal and embrace your body for what it is in all it’s sensuous gorgeousness, you will in fact feel sexy, naturally sexy, just as you are.

Adapted from my book “The Sex Life Survival Guide for Parents: keep your love life strong when kids come along.”

Jacqueline Hellyer: Your Great Sex Project

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

I wrote recently about the importance of prioritising sex. Now that the new year is here, let’s consider this more carefully. What does it take to prioritise sex? Can I suggest you commit to a Year of Great Sex! Let’s call it the ‘Your Great Sex’ Project. Whether you’re single or partnered, we can all focus on our love life and on our love of life. They are interconnected. Sex is about self and about true expression of self. The process of improving your sex life is intimately connected to improving your relationship with the whole of life, primarily as it makes you know yourself better and express yourself better.

The Great Sex Project for Couples:

I wrote a blog post last month on the topic of Consensual Non-Monotony. It’s a play on words as I’d written one the week before on Consensual Non-Monogamy. The latter was on how to have a successful non-monogamous relationship, but since most people would like to be monogamous, the trick is to overcome the biggest problem with long-term monogamous relationships – monotony. Hence the term Consensual Non-Monotony. The point here is it’s got to be consensual, that is, you both have to agree to be non-monotonous, you both have to agree to do what it takes to have an on-going great sex life. Make it a project! Why not? You have renovation projects together, holiday projects together, get healthier projects together, so why not add to it a better sex project.

If you don’t, there probably won’t be much improvement, in fact, the monotony could continue on and on and on and on and on… How many more years till you die…?

There are three stages to this project:
1) Know what you want
2) Communicate what you want
3) Make it happen

The first is about understanding your eroticism – what you like and don’t like, where and how and when. This is important. A number of my blog posts will help you with this, in particular Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt.1: What.

The second stage is the most important – you have to be able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about sex. This isn’t easy, particularly for many women (who tend to be great at communciating in all other areas of life!). However, I’ve noticed in my work with couples that one of the benefits of therapy is that people get used to talking about sex with each other. Once they get to that point, the miracles start happening… For help on your own, read my blog post Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt.2: How, which covers communication.

The third stage is obvious, but not necessarily easy. There’s no point just talking about it, you have to make it happen. This will involve ditching myths and making lifestyle changes. My last blog was on the topic of ditching myths, read it here. And for help on the lifestyle changes, read my blog post Love in the Time of Chaos, or my book Sex Secrets for Busy People.

And then the cycle repeats, because what you want and how you feel is constantly changing, so you need to constantly reevaluate, communicate and change. Forever.

The Great Sex Project for Singles:

It’s the same for singles. You make the commitment to better sex, and then go through the same stages:

1) Get clear about what you like.
2) Be open about communicating this with new love interests.
3) Make the changes you need to be able to do this.

If you need any therapy or coaching to help you on the way, well, you know where to find me!

Jacqueline Hellyer: Sex as Entree, Not Dessert

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

We tend to get into habits with sex, and one habit that is so widespread is having sex last thing at night.

Why is that? It’s the time when most people are the most tired and the least likely to want or enjoy !sex!

One thing I encourage people to do is to think outside the square in all aspects of sex, and one of those is the timing.

Sex doesn’t have to be the last thing you do at night, it doesn’t even have to be in the evening. Having sex before dinner can be great! Think of it as entrée, rather than the traditional dessert.

Of course that doesn’t suit everyone’s routines, but you might be surprised at how flexible your timing can be. I remember when my third child was a baby and for a while there I was just way too tired to manage sex in the evenings (and I’ve never been a morning person, unless it’s a long lazy Sunday lie-in) so my then husband and I decided that the only way we were going to have sex was if he came home for ‘lunch’ on Tuesdays. That worked really well and got us through a pretty exhausting phase of life.

Quite a number of my clients find that changing the time they have sex makes a big difference. For those without kids in the house, the sex before dinner concept is very possible and very desirable. For those who can’t manage it that early, at least doing it as early as possible, generally in place of the TV veg-out session (watching three hours of gruesome cop shows is generally not a good warm-up for sex!). You can always get up and do other things after you make love. You don’t have to go to sleep after sex. You certainly don’t both have to go to sleep after sex, the tired one can drift off and the other can get up and do stuff.

There are no set rules around sex, particularly the timing. Have a good talk with your partner and figure out when the best times are for you.

Sex doesn’t have to be the after dinner ‘dessert’. Too often it’s so late and so unappealing it becomes a habitual late night snack that doesn’t satisfy anyone particularly, if you can even be bothered. So try it for entrée, try it for lunch, try it for a morning pick-me-up, try it for a lazy Sunday breakfast in bed (the kids love watching cartoons then…).

Jacqueline Hellyer: Ditch The Myths

Sunday, January 30th, 2011

There are many aspects to moving forward sexually, one of the key ones is to ditch all the myths that plague us.

Our society is full of myths about sex. It’s because we don’t talk openly about the details of sex and because there have been so many moral issues associated with sex for so long that so many beliefs are taken for truth.

I’ve discussed three of these in recent posts:

  • Men have not evolved to ‘sow their seed widely’ and therefore are not necessarily ‘naturally’ non-monogamous
  • Women are not ‘naturally’ monogamous
  • Monogamy is not necessarily ‘naturally’ innate to humans

These can be challenging beliefs to let go of, but until you do, you’re hampering yourself unnecessarily. If you buy into a belief then you’ll think there’s something wrong or bad about being a certain way, you’ll be judgemental about yourself and others. Judgement is the biggest impediment to growth in any area, including sexual.

Which doesn’t mean that you have to be or act a certain way. I’m certainly not saying for instance that we shouldn’t be monogamous, monogamy is a very good thing. But it’s not the only way of relating sexually, it’s not the only ‘right’ way of relating, and if you’re constrained by a belief that it is, then you’re limited. If you accept that monogamy is a choice rather than an innate state, then that frees you up enormously. You’ll ditch all the negativity that surrounds the beliefs and the ‘shoulds’ and allow yourself to be honest with yourself about what is really right for you sexually. That freedom and honestly will also enable you to be free and honest in your communication with your sexual partner(s).

It’s not just about big things like monogamy though. I find that people often hinder themselves with small beliefs, such as:

  • sex has to be last thing at night
  • you can’t have sex if the children are still awake
  • you can’t have sex when your parents/guests are staying
  • having regular ‘nooky nights’ is unspontaneous and therefore bad.

Then there are age related myths such as:

  • sex naturally gets worse as you get older
  • people reach their sexual peak in their 20s (they reach their reproductive peak then, not sexual)
  • women dry up and become unsexual after menopause
  • men only like young women
  • your sexual partner should only be a few years older or younger than you
  • women with younger partners are ‘cougars’ and somehow ‘bad’

There are plenty of myths around homosexuality vs heterosexuality (even if we’ve let of the big one that homosexuality is unnatural and wrong):

  • if you’re primarily heterosexual you shouldn’t find people of the same sex in any way sexually appealing
  • you’re either completely homosexual or completely heterosexual
  • women are more naturally bisexual than men
  • men who cross-dress must be gay

There are countless myths about male versus female sex roles, too many to go into here, but here are a few:

  • men are gagging for sex all the time
  • men want to have sex to get off, rather than to pleasure their partner
  • men don’t like foreplay or sensual sex, they’re only interested in the ‘main event’
  • women should have obligation sex with their partner or he’ll lose interest in them
  • men should initiate and lead the way sexually
  • there’s something wrong with a woman if she has a low libido
  • you need a hard erection for good sex
  • you need a penis for good sex

Then there are all those myths about what you should or shouldn’t do sexually. To quote from my book ‘Sex Secrets for Busy People’:

“If you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos,
crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and
pleasure or any other activity is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it’s time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.”

[Note: There are laws around sexual activity, for good reason, fortunately these days they are less based on morality and more on protection of innocents. So as long as it’s between consenting, living, adult, humans, then it’s your personal choice.]

Human sexuality is a wonderful thing, with so many possibilities, and so much potential for self-expression, self-knowledge and personal growth, not to mention bonding, pleasure, stress relief, well-being, better physical and mental health, and plain old fun!

To be able to make the most of your sexuality, start by ditching the myths that hold you back.

Jaqueline Hellyer: Consensual Non-Monogamy

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

I’ve been writing in the past few posts about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it has to be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I do want to stress though, that in this society it’s not easy to be non-monogamous, and I’m certainly not suggesting that anyone should be. However, it does work for some people. I often work with couples (and triads) exploring non-monogamy and help them decide if it is for them and if so how to go about it safely and respectfully.

Whether it’s something you’re considering for yourselves, or if you’re just curious about possibilities, here is a description of different approaches to consensual non-monogamy.

Polyamory

This is where a person has more than one committed relationship going on at the same time. The founding belief is that you can love more than one person at a time and you can have a committed loving on-going sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

In this situation you generally don’t have a primary ‘couple’ as such, although it can be that two people are married and one or both of them also has one or more other committed relationships. (You can imagine that polyamorous ‘families’, as they’re often termed, can get quite complex in structure!) These types of relationship structures can be quite fluid and organic as partners grow and change.

Swinging

This is where a committed couple have sex with other people at the same time. They do not have sex with other people on their own or without their partner being present.

Each couple will have their own rules about what they agree to do. Generally the options are;

– play with other people, but no intercourse or no genital interaction;
– play with other women only;
– play with other men only;
– one plays while the other watches;
– only play with other couples;
– watch other people but only have sex with themselves;
– play freely within a certain situation such as at a swingers party or swingers club.

It’s important that a couple who get into swinging continually check in on each other to make sure both are comfortable with what’s going on and take it slowly.

Open Relationship

This is where a couple agree that one or both of them can have sex with other people. They remain the primary couple at all times and each is the primary partner to the other. Any other sexual interactions are secondary and the primary relationship takes precedence.

Each couple will have their own rules around how this is possible, such as:
– only when you’re out of town;
– not with friends;
– only with people of a certain sex;
– tell all;
– tell bits;
– don’t tell all;
– ask me first;
– only once a year (or some other timeframe).

The key thing to successful non-monogamous relationships is that it is done:
– respectfully
– safely
– with continuous communication
– with continual openness to renegotiate.

When done like this, non-monogamy can offer a broader, more satisfying approach to relating than the serial monogamy approach to relationships that are the norm in this society. As I’ve mentioned before, I believe we are all on a continuum of monogamy, with some of us completely monogamous and some of us completely non-monogamous and most of us somewhere in-between.

If you choose the standard monogamy option, that tends to be easier as the ‘rules’ are established by society rather than the couple (although even then most couples will have to set their own rules around levels of acceptable interaction and friendships with people of the opposite sex). If you choose non-monogamy then you have to set your own rules, and that means complete honesty and excellent communication, plus a willingness to experiment, make mistakes and continually reassess and evolve.

It’s not for everyone, but it can and does work.  And one thing’s for sure, the standard dual options of pure monogamy or deceitful infidelity is not the answer.

If you’re interested in finding out more I recommend the excellent book The Ethical Slut by Easton & Liszt.

IMPORTANT NOTES :

However, it’s not for everyone, most people prefer to be at least primarily, if not exclusively, monogamous.

For that to work you need consensual non-monotony.

Yes, it’s a play on words, but it’s also an extremely important point. A couple can only have good on-going sex if they both agree to make it good. As I’ve stressed so often, good sex doesn’t just ‘happen’, you have to work at it, and you both have to work at it as a joint project. Otherwise you get complacency and dreariness.

You both need to agree to ditch the monotony!

This is the most common client type I deal with, couples who want to improve the quality of their sex life. While a small proportion are open to considering non-monogamy, most want to improve things between themselves alone.

The key to success at consensual non-monotony is openness with each other – honest, real communication. That’s what is required to be able to discuss and explore and examine and refine.

This level of openness with each other is only possible if you have complete respect for each other, for yourself and for them. If you feel you are being judged by your partner, or by yourself, then you will hold yourself back and not be completely open.

It’s really hard to be this open with your partner! It’s hard to be so trusting and so non-judgemental. It takes practice. I know from working with couples, that once they get to this level of open communication that the miracles start happening. I love that point! It’s what makes my work so worthwhile.

There’s plenty of advice in these posts to help you do it for yourselves.

So consent to non-monotony – and make it happen!

Jacqueline Hellyer: Sowing His Wild Oats Debunked

Saturday, December 18th, 2010

There’s a perpetuating myth in out society that men are naturally more promiscuous than women. One of the reasons given for this is that men have evolved to ‘sow their seed widely’ so as to have more children and therefore ensure the continuity of their genes.

I’m never sure whether to pull my hair out in frustration or laugh at the ludicrousness of such as suggestion, which I hear so often, even from intelligent thoughtful people.

The fact is, the ‘sow seed widely’ form of reproduction is only practiced by the lower orders of animals, such as amphibians and fish. In these species the female lays huge quantities of eggs, which hatch into offspring, most of whom don’t survive until reproductive age.

As you go further up the complexity of the animal kingdom you find that there is less and less spreading of seed by the males as the females give birth to increasingly dependant young. By the time you get to humans at the top of the complexity scale, you get offspring that are so useless they take years of intense looking after before they are capable of fending for themselves and hopefully living to reproductive age.

The reason for this is that humans have such huge brains that the baby has to be born before its head gets so big that it can’t get out. So babies are born when their brains are still relatively undeveloped and they require years of care until their brains have developed to a point where they can fend for themselves (around seven years of age).

Now, given that there were no single mother benefits in prehistoric days, it would have been virtually impossible for a woman to raise children on her own. The human race would not have become as successful as it has if the men were wandering around impregnating women randomly and leaving them to fend for themselves.

No, rather, both parents were required to work together to provide for themselves and their family. In fact, the whole group would have done so. When you look at huner gatherer societies it’s very much the tribe looking after the children, because the tribe needed the children to survive for the tribe to survive. Humans are a very cooperative bunch. It’s our ability to cooperate that has enabled us to become so successful as a species, especially given our pathetically useless young!

The fact that humans have evolved (or been designed) to have frequent and highly pleasurable sex is so that the parents can bond over the years together. If sex was just about reproduction then women would only be attractive men when they were ovulating, and there would be no need for either sex to have enjoyable sex.

All of which doesn’t deny that there are still highly promiscuous men. The point is though, that they can’t use the ‘sowing the seed’ theory as their excuse!

Jacqueline Hellyer: Getting To Sex Is Like Getting To The Gym

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

Often with couples the higher desire person is perplexed as to why the lower desire person doesn’t want sex more often, since they clearly enjoy it once they do it.

Similarly, often the lower desire person is confused as to why they find it so hard to have sex when it’s generally not so bad, even brilliant, when they do it.

I point out to them that having sex can often be like getting to the gym – you know it’s good for you, you know you’ll enjoy it while you’re there, you know you’ll feel better for doing it, but…it’s still hard to get there!

There are two reasons why it can be a struggle to get to the gym, or have sex:

  1. too many competing priorities;    and
  2. laziness.

When you’ve got so much on, and life has become a constant juggling of priorities, it can be hard to set everything aside so that you can focus on sex, without the distraction of all the other things you could be doing.

Couples need to realise that for a lot of people, sex does get like this. It’s not that they don’t like it or don’t want to do it, it’s just hard to create the time and space to do it in. To those people (and it tends to be women) I say, just as if you want to go to the gym, you have to set up supports in your life that allow you to create time and space.

The other reason is simply a habit of laziness. Some people can’t be bothered getting out of their comfort zone, turning off the TV and heading out the door to the gym; or up the stairs to the bedroom.

To those people (and it tends to be men) I say, get off your butt and into the bedroom – before you get too tired to move!

Note: Of course these are just a couple of reasons why people don’t have sex, but it’s common enough to share here. It could be you, or your partner, so understand, and then make the changes!

Jacqueline Hellyer: Simple Sex

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

I recently wrote a post on three types of sex in a long-term relationship: Simple Sex (also known as Cup of Tea sex), Sensual Sex and Spicy Sex.  I thought I’d write a little more on Simple Sex.

In a society that focuses on the ‘bigger harder faster’ type of sex, you could be mistaken into thinking that good sex is all about swinging from the chandeliers. It’s not. It can be, but sometimes it’s good to be short, sweet and simple. Just comforting, nothing more, like a cup of tea, or a hot buttered muffin.

I’ve ben thinking about this a lot lately as I’m doing a joint project with Marie Stopes International, an organisation that promotes contraception, on sex after childbirth.  My role is to educate new parents on what to expect and how to adapt to sex when you’ve got babies and small children.

One of the key messages is:  Keep It Simple.

Don’t stop having sex, or as I’d prefer to stress at that time of your life, don’t stop making love, but keep your expectations low.  She’s tired, zombified, probably in a mild state of shock from this major life change. He’s tired, perplexed and probably feeling a little helpless and left out. So keep your connection strong with cuddles and Simple Sex.

It applies at other times of life too, especially when it’s all getting a bit much or you’re stressed or run down. Simple Sex for the cuddles and connection. It’s comforting and nurturing and supportive.

Remember that sex is about pleasure not performance. It’s also about gentle connection not necessarily vigorous activity. If one of you isn’t up to anything intense, the other keeps it simple and gentle.

You can have the extended sensual sessions and you can bring back the spicy sex, but there are times in your life when a cup of tea is all you need.