Posts Tagged ‘sex coach’

Australia’s Sexual Stylist – The Original & The Best at Max Black

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

A Max Black Sexual Stylist session is all about creating a more confident, vibrant and happy you. Our sex lives are so important to our everyday well being, and at various stages in our lives, this part of our life can become neglected. Before you know it you may not have the confidence you once did – or perhaps you want to discover the pleasure you always heard about….

You turn to Rachel Zoe for fashion inspiration, Donna Hay for cuisine; Napoleon for makeup styling and Donatella for home décor… but what of your sex life?  Welcome to Max Black, where Australia’s first and only Sexual Stylist, Heidi Zuegn is changing the sex lives of Australian women.

She’s an expert at helping you add that special something to your sex life, and together with the team at Max Black, we’ll help you to have renewed confidence, understanding and inspiration in the bedroom. Our team has been helping women have more fulfilling and nurturing sex lives for the over 7 years, so we know how to make a difference!

It all starts by making a time for a complimentary consultation with Heidi herself. Your time with her starts in Max Black’s Velvet Lounge, a private, comfortable and soft space that was purpose built for the many workshops and special events that happen at MB through the year. Heidi will ask you what your personal goals are for your sensual life, including what you want to explore, what has interested you before and what you might want to achieve if  you’re a couple, so that she can determine what will work for you.

Heidi can then advise you on everything from basic anatomy and function (sex education 101 – sometimes so important) to which toys and romance items will help you to get toward your sex life aims. You might find yourself talking to her about enhancing self-confidence, or how diet ad exercise can affect your sex life, or even ways to create the time and space to enjoy sex with your partner.

Heidi also loves latex and burlesque fashion, and Max Black has two beautiful rooms devoted just to that. If you want to explore dressing up she takes great delight in helping you to create a look that makes you feel and look fantastic.

Together with advice on putting together a great toybox with products that will best suit you, techniques and tips for their use, and even book recommendations, having a sexual stylist session can result in a fantastic sexual makeover! And if you need referrals to workshops,  a sex therapist or other health professional, Max Black can help there too.

If you’re interested in having a complimentary sexual styling consultation with Heidi Zuegn, or organising an interview, please get in touch with us by calling 02 9557 0122 or emailing us at info@maxxxblack.com

MB Summer Series – Ready To Learn Some New Tricks?

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

Ever since we ran our first ever workshops with ACON here in Sydney we have had constant requests to present new education events. Well, we listened. We went out there and we found some of the best therapists, authors, health professionals, organisations and individuals to create a whole new series of workshops – and the first two have already been HUGE successes!

We kicked of the Summer Series with Christina Spaccavento, a fabulous local sex therapist and relationship counsellor who came along to present Love & Desire – a workshop designed to help couples learn more about the way love and desire actually work – not just the emotional stuff, but the very physiological changes and reactions that take place. We loved having her here, and there will be much more to come from Christina very soon.

Christina (www.sstherapy.com.au) is known for lots of work already – she can be seen on the Taboo series on National Geographic as on of the sex experts, but her name and wisdom also pop up in lots of publications (Marie Claire, Body & Soul) and even on SBS radio! So keep your eyes peeled for the announcement of her next workshop here at MB – in fact, tickets are already on sale, but you’ll have to go to www.maxxxblack.com to get more details for now.

We also should shout to Alan Patriarca from InTouch Massage in Camperdown. Alan is widely regarded as a soft tissue specialist because his 27 (yes twenty seven!) years of professional health-care experience in multiple modalities has crafted a man of incredible care, passion and knowledge of the human body.

He was here just a couple of weeks ago with his new workshop The Power of Touch. Designed to help us understand more about the importance of touch on an everyday basis, this workshop was not only entertaining, it really opened our eyes up to how much touch can change our relationships – and not just the intimate relationships we have either.

He finished off with a fantastic one hour tutorial on massage techniques that participants are getting LOTS of use with. Sometimes knowing just a little bit more about something can totally change the way you approach it, and Alan was absolutely inspiring.

Coming up at MB we’ve got LOTS of new workshops planned. In October there will be Christina’s next workshop, and just after that we’ll be announcing workshops from The Today Show’s Nikki Goldstein and celebrated author Stacey DeMarco (‘Witch in the Bedroom’ and “the No Excuses Guide To Soul Mates”).

So, are you ready to learn something? Let us know if there’s a workshop topic you’d like to see us cover in future!

 

Jacqueline Hellyer: 3rd Level Love-Making

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Available as a podcast: download here!
There’s a wise old saying about spiritual and personal growth: first there is the mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is the mountain again.
What this means is that you have normality, then that disappears while you grow and experience the opposite, and then it comes back again as you integrate the two. But it’s not the same reality, it might look the same but the experience of it is quite different.

If we’re talking about sex and intimacy, and human sexual potential, then the process is the same.

At first we do standard sex, which generally means focusing on the physical, generally in our heads. You’ll have heard me describe this in various ways: the performance model of sex, the adolescent male masterbatory model of sex. This is level one sex, where you focus on the ‘peaks’ of sex, the ‘bigger-harder-faster’. Level one sex is about technique, sexual excitation and explosive orgasms. This is the mountain you start with.

Then you realise that this type of sex is not entirely satisfying, there has to be more. So you start to explore a deeper approach to sex. You may find that you are attracted to Tantra, with its mindful approach to love-making. You find yourselves slowing down, taking time to connect and to build eroticism. This is level two love-making. This is where you become aware of the ‘valleys’ of sex, where the sensual and subtle create feelings of ecstacy. This is where the mountain disappears, sex is not what it was.

Then the mountain reappears as you combine both the peaks and valleys of sex. But these are not the same peaks you knew before you discovered the valleys. These are peaks of sexual intensity that come with great presence and connection. You swing between the peaks of sexual intensity and the valleys of sexual bliss, in a flow of love-making that has no plan or expectation. This is stage three lovemaking, and it is truly awesome.

Would you like to learn more about second level love-making and even move on to third level one-making? Then book in to my Tantra Fusion Workshops, or have private sex therapy and/or Tantra sessions.

Jacqueline Hellyer: A History of Sexual Misinformation

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

Why is our society so sexually screwed-up? Basically, it’s because we’ve had two to three thousand years of sexual suppression.

During these millennia two very damaging myths have been held as truths in western society:

1) That sex is a base, animalistic activity, in opposition to spiritual and ‘higher’ human endeavours; and
2) That men are innately more sexual than women.

These myths have been so strong for so long, that they are still very much part of our communal psyche. It’s only in the last few decades that society has begun to shift on these myths, which is a relatively short time compared to how long those myths have been there, so progress on change is slow.

The first myth, that sex is a base activity not a higher activity, has meant that sex has not been studied properly, has not been taught to our young people, has not been a topic of open discussion, and has not been considered a part of life that should be developed and enhanced.

This means that society’s knowledge of sex is very limited, and we are nowhere near achieving anything like our sexual potentials, nor using sex in the positive way to enhance our lives as we could.

The second myth, that men are more sexual than women, has meant that there has been an imbalance between the masculine and feminine principles in society. We’ve had a dysfunctional masculine – overly dominant and aggressive, and a dysfunctional feminine – overly weak and dependant. When the two principles are out of whack like this, there is no balance and harmony. Without a balance of equally strong masculine and feminine, the masculine goes out of control and the feminine is useless.

Sexually, this means there has not been a focus on what men and women need sexually, how they function differently yet complementarily, and how their coming together creates magic. Instead we’ve had a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. Women have been expected to ‘service’ their men’s ‘needs’: the classic ‘lie back and think of England’ scenario.

When you combine those two myths, you end up with a society that has no idea about the beauty and benefits of sex; and individuals within it who have no idea of their potential and what they can do with their sexuality. You have an overly aggressive society that is full of dissatisfied people, both men and women.

Sound familiar?

For greater understanding, empowerment and connection, please attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops, or see me for private sessions.

The Sex Coach: Become A Sexual Explorer!

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.

Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:

Touch your partner with items of different texture and temperature. Try a feather, a piece of silk, a body brush, a loofah. Try things that have been heated or cooled, such as warm oil or ice-blocks. Use everyday items: the end of a belt, a scarf, a fork, the back of a spoon… The possibilities are endless.

Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receivers hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).
Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gerkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)

Arouse the olfactory: have scented candles or an oil burner in the room; wave perfume or essential oils or fresh herbs under their nose (and run the latter over their body)

Have music playing, and vary the types of music, noting the difference on how it affects your love-making and sensory play. Try putting headphones on one person while the other does delicious things to their body. Bang bongoes together, play a Tibetan singing bowl, tuning forks, rub the rim of a crystal glass or create some other interesting sounds.

And sight, the main sense. Try simply looking at each other, holding the gaze for a number of minutes. Have one look at the other, just simply looking – this can be initially confronting for the receiver, but can become highly erotic and arousing. Do a slow undress or striptease, model lingerie or do a simple yet sensual dance for your partner.

Then combine all the elements in various ways. This is wonderful play that arouses and pleasures without even having to involve the genitals. The possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination.

So go forth and play! Become sensual explorers and experiment with sensation and the senses to take yourselves to new places of eroticism and sensuality…

To experience more, I suggest you attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops. And for the ultimate experience for sensual explorers, attend “In the Realm of Enchantment” a couple’s Tantra Fusion retreat in Dalat, Vietnam, next June.

The Sex Coach: Allow Some Self-Indulgence!

Friday, November 11th, 2011

One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.

I’m going to speak directly to the ladies here, because the women are the ones who have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.

Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.

Now there are some ‘princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually.

Sex as letting go, opening up, being real, actually requires you to allow for self-indulgence. As a woman it requires you to yield to your partner, to allow him to pleasure you and take you places of delicious wonder and ecstacy.

Men love to pleasure their woman. They love to take their partner to wonderful places. Men tell me over and over and over again how the best thing about sex is giving their partner pleasure, that there’s nothing better than seeing her in the throes of sexual pleasure.

Yet so many women hold themselves back from experiencing this pleasure. So many women hold back from allowing themselves the indulgence of letting him give them that pleasure.

Which is such a shame! Because this is what it takes. This is what Tantra is about. A woman allows her partner to pleasure her, she allows him to be a man, she allows herself to be a woman and surrender to delicious pleasure. The more she lets herself go in this way, the more pleasure there is for her, and therefore the more pleasure there is for him.

This is a completely different approach to the more common, ‘sex as duty’ or ‘sex as stress relief’ or ‘sex as performance’ approaches to sex that we have in society. This is ‘sex as letting go’, ‘sex as indulgence and heightened states of ecstasy’. This is truly good loving.

If as a woman you have trouble letting go to this extent, if you can’t allow yourself this indulgence, ask yourself why. Is it that you have blocks to pleasure? Is it that you have false beliefs about the purpose of sex? Are you buying into false beliefs about the roles of men and women in sex? Do you not really trust your partner enough? Do you not trust yourself enough?

If you do want to open up more to self-indulgence and allow for sexual pleasure, then please come and see me for private sessions, or attend my women’s workshop, Luscious Woman.

We’ll get you indulging again. You deserve it!

The Sex Coach: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality

Saturday, October 29th, 2011

You might have become one of those people who have closed off from their senses, experiencing the world primarily through the mind. It’s common enough. I don’t want to downplay the importance of cerebral activity, the mental sphere is vital to engaging in life and is important in love-making too. But making love when you’re all in your head is just not on a par with making love with full sensual awareness.

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?

As you become more sensual in your love-making, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of love-making, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.

You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it.

This shift to sensuality is doubly important when you apply it to your own body image – this is a message particularly important to women. The media brainwashes us to believe that “sexy” equals the type of body that most women only have in their youth, if even then. That’s why I advocate letting go of the “sexy” stuff and embracing the sensual. “Sexy” does have this image of a perfect, young body that’s horny and lusty and ready to go. Not the way most woman generally feels.

Now consider the concept of “sensual”. It’s softer, rounder, gentler, full of depth and warmth – rather like the bodies of women! Sex between long-term lovers is like this too, less raunchy and a whole lot more loving and gorgeous (not to imply that it can’t be incredibly raunchy too, it just doesn’t have to confirm to raunchy stereotypes). It’s the type of sex you can only have with a long-term partner, and the type of sex you can only have if you appreciate your gorgeous, sensual body.

You’re not going to absorb this message from the mass media, so you’re going to have make the mind-shift yourself. Think sensual:
– think sensual in the shower: rub soap over yourself and love the softness and the roundness;
– think sensual as you move through the day: feel your hips swaying, your breasts moving (picture how full-figured African or Latin American women move, it’s poetry);
– think sensual as your partner caresses your curves;
– think sensual as you caress your own curves when you make love.

Loving your body is a challenge for most people, men as well as women, and the challenge is harder as we age and become less like the media-generated idealised image of sexy. But if you can let go of that unrealistic ideal and embrace your body for what it is in all it’s sensuous gorgeousness, you will in fact feel sexy, naturally sexy, just as you are.

Adapted from my book “The Sex Life Survival Guide for Parents: keep your love life strong when kids come along.”

The Sex Coach: Coming From A Place Of Yes!

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

I had a good chat with a woman who loves sex recently, and she said that she never refuses her husband, that she always comes from a place of “Yes!”. Apparently her mother had drilled into her that it was the best way to stay happy and connected in a marriage, and it was very good advice.

I had to agree, I too like to say “Yes!” to sex, and I’d love it if you could too.

Not in a ‘just do it’ kind of way. I want you to say “Yes!’ to sex, not “Oh, if I must” or “Ok, if you’ll shut up about it” or “well, I suppose you did vacuum the house…”.

I’m not asking you to say ‘yes’ out of a sense of obligation or duty or as a trade-off. I’m saying say ‘Yes!’ to sex because it feels good to be intimate with your partner, because you know that even if you’re not really feeling it yet, once you focus on the beforeplay and then the foreplay, chances are you’ll be having a pretty good time. Then once the deed is done and you’re both in that lovely post-nuptial state with all sorts of yummy hormones flowing through your body, making you feel loving, making you feel happy, keeping you feeling and looking young and vital – well, then you’ll be glad you said ‘Yes!’ to sex. And you’ll find it easier and easier to keep saying yes.

It doesn’t have to be a huge enthusiastic “Yes!” for very encounter, merely an openness and receptivity: a ‘yes, why not’. Then being sufficiently in tune with yourself to know how you’d like to proceed – whether that’s simply following the initiating partner’s lead, or stating that you’d like a bath first or you need to fold the washing and meet you in an hour, or whatever.

Notice that I’m not using genders here. In my practice I see at least as many couples where the man’s got the lower desire as couples where it’s the woman. The myth of ‘all men are gagging for it and the woman are holding out’ is one that really should be ditched.

Generally the higher desire partner (HDP) isn’t a sex-crazed lunatic out to use and abuse you. More likely they simply love you and want to express that love sexually. It’s hard for the HDP to deal with constant rejection.

(Of course, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to give a firm “No!” followed by serious soul-searching as to why you got yourself into such a relationship, and then seek out a respectful, loving partner to whom you can say ‘Yes!’ to.)

If you’ve got the lower desire, use your partner’s desire for you to get you in the mood. Say ‘yes’ to their advances and allow yourself to be desired, be wanted, to be adored and worshipped! Be self-indulgent about it – “Yes, here I am, take me!” (And in the process, naturally allowing yourself to return the feeling…)

Saying “Yes!” to sex is really saying “Yes!” to yourself as someone deserving of love, pleasure and adoration.

Saying “Yes!” to sex is saying “Yes!” to love, saying “Yes!” to life.

If you’re struggling with this article and the concepts in it, start slow. Start saying “ye-es…” to the possibility of “Yes!”, allow the yes to grow. To help you along, say ‘yes’ to private sessions with me, or come along to one of my workshops below. That’ll get you on the way to “Yes!”

The Sex Coach: Communicate – Human’s Can’t Read Minds!

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

There is nothing more fundamental to a good relationship, and therefore to a good sex life, than communication. It is absolutely, categorically, completely and utterly vital (have I stressed this enough).

It would be nice to think that after years together you might have developed an ‘unspoken understanding’, but don’t count on it. The number of times I’ve heard women complain about their husbands, and when I ask them: “Have you told him?”, the answer is along the lines of: “No/There’s no point/He should know” and so forth.

Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact but true: humans are not mind-readers, you do actually have to speak to each other. And that also means listening to each other. And clarifying that this speaking and listening has in fact resulted in mutual understanding.

Communication is an art. So practise.

Speak
Humans aren’t mind-readers. We do actually have to speak to each other to communicate what we feel and want. Of course body language and gesture are elements of communication too. But it’s actually the faculty of speech that has enabled us to come down out of the trees and become such a successful species. It was speech that enabled early humans to cooperate and progress. It’s still just as important in modern society, particularly in the most fundamental human grouping of all, the family.

You can’t just ‘expect’ your partner to know what you want. Even if you think they should (that dreaded word again). Just because something is blindingly obvious to you, doesn’t mean it’s blindingly obvious to your partner. You can’t assume anything. You have to speak so you are both clear about what’s going on. Whether it’s logistical matters or something more emotional, you must speak. Silence does not achieve anything.

But neither does nastiness. You do actually want your partner to listen to what you say, and they’re not going to if you’re sarcastic and condescending, if you appear to be blaming them, or if are judging them and finding them wanting. At best they’ll just tune out and ignore you; at worst they will become defensive, and once the listener becomes defensive, you’ve lost them. You might even have a full-scale fight on your hands.

It doesn’t matter how correct or right your content is, if it’s presented in a negative tone, your partner will respond to the tone rather than the content. And that is not going to get you the result you want.

You have to speak respectfully to each other. I don’t mean formally, I simply mean: appreciating the other person’s point of view, respecting that none of us is perfect, that we may not be making ourselves clear despite our best intentions, and that the listener is not ‘wrong’. Speak clearly, factually and honestly. And keep it light, practice using humour to get your point across. Gentle, light-hearted ribbing is much more effective than outright criticism:
“Darling, I appreciate the fact that you admire me so much you think I can read your mind, but I am a mere mortal, and really need you to write it down if we’ve run out of tomato sauce.” (said with a smile, not with sarcasm), is much more effective than:
“How the hell am I supposed to know we’ve run out of tomato sauce if you don’t tell me!”

What you say is one part of the communication process, and of course it’s a very important part. But it’s what they understand that counts. So even if you think you have been clear and succinct and got your message across well, you still have to make sure your partner understands what you’re saying. So much misunderstanding occurs when one person thinks they understand what the other is saying, but doesn’t. And then blame starts happening – “I told you” and “No, you didn’t, you said”, “No I didn’t, you weren’t listening…”, etc, etc. Well, chances are you did say and your partner was listening, but for whatever reason, mutual understanding didn’t occur. So check to make sure.

Listen
Listening is obviously just as important as speaking, and the skill is similar. Listen without judgement, with respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions.

And if your partner is bringing up something about you, make sure you don’t immediately become defensive. If there’s something that’s troubling your partner, listen carefully and objectively, even if their trouble is you, so that you can understand their issue and that way do something about it.

And even if they’re not doing a very good job of communicating, if they do seem to be blaming you, or if they’re being cutting and sarcastic, there’s no need for you to take it personally (hard as that may be). Do try to stay calm and objective so that you can get to the heart of the issue, rather than letting it get emotional and escalate out of hand.

Sometimes your partner will just want to let off a bit of steam, to express how they’re feeling. You don’t necessarily have to solve the problem, sometimes just sympathetic listening is enough. But if a solution is required, then work towards it.

And be sure that you have understood what they’re saying by repeating back what you think they’re conveying. Don’t assume you understand what they’re saying even if you’ve listened well. Some things are difficult to convey, and some people just aren’t very good at expressing themselves.

The Sex Coach: The Art & Craft of Mindful Loving

Friday, August 12th, 2011

I gave a talk on this topic at WakeUp! Sydney’s Time for Renewal Conference last weekend. It was great! What fantastic people in the audience – and how wonderful to watch 100 or so people wandering around the room greeting each other with their genitals (clad of course)! It made me realise that this is what I do – teach, coach and inspire around the Art and Craft of Mindful Sex!

That’s quite a biggie for me, as I often have trouble explaining what I do. In a predominantly sex-negative society where sex is either considered ribald or shameful (or both), it’s quite hard to explain that you work in the sex-positive field.
The term Tantra is good, but it’s also hundreds of years old and so not completely relevant to modern urban Australians. What is Tantra anyway?

Essentially it’s mindful sex. Or to be a little broader: mindful loving. Loving with presence and focus, fully engaged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Mindful sex means that:

  • your monkey chatter mind is stilled, so your brain can focus creatively and connectedly;
  • your body has heightened awareness, fully using each of its five senses, so there is great feeling throughout the whole body;
  • you’re focused on the whole body, and even beyond the body, not just the genitals;
  • there is a palpable energetic flow within you and between you, you feel connected;
  • your sexual play flows in peaks and valleys, from intensity to subtlety and everywhere in between;
  • you communicate verbally and physically with ease and understanding;
  • you feel both deep and light: deep in feeling and light in freedom;
  • orgasms may or may not happen, it’s the pleasure of the process not specific outcomes that matter;
  • the encounter leaves you feeling recharged and reinvigorated;
  • you find that the whole of life improves, you are healthier, more vital and feel a positive joyful outlook on life.

With mindfulness a quick snuggle under the covers can be as profound as hours of play on a weekend away. It’s about what’s happening in the moment. A mindful moment can be an eternity.

Mindfulness is a challenge to modern urban types whose lives rush by at a million miles an hour. So if you can learn to incorporate it into your loving and love-making, not only will the experience of sex be oh so much better, you’ll become more mindful in the rest of life