Posts Tagged ‘sex advice’

Boys, never fear the vibrator…remember every Super Hero has a side-kick!

Wednesday, May 1st, 2013

So, boys listen up! There’s a huge MYTH that needs debunking. You know, the age old story where girl meets vibrator, girl and vibrator become best friends and then boy is forgotten.

I would like to argue quite the opposite! Just as you boys may enjoy a little solo-playtime, whether you are involved with someone or not, so do us girls. And I hear you shouting out,

“But then she would spend all her time with her toy not me!”

But think about this, there is nothing that will EVER replace the feeling of the real deal and you can never emulate that sense of touch, embrace or intimacy with a toy. Also, has anyone ever seen a vibrator open a car door for you? I know I haven’t. And if you have, please send documented evidence as Max will need to get those vibrators in stock ASAP. But seriously, never fear . . .you boys are not going anywhere!

Who’s to say you can’t play with these toys together, in fact I encourage experimenting with this. Why not take the steering wheel and drive? The toy is but an object that YOU are directing, YOU are the one that is behind this pleasure-inducing session. A toy shouldn’t lead to the destruction of your sex-life, it should rather lead to the seduction of your sex-life.

And remember, every woman is wired differently. Some women orgasm from penetration, some do not. Some women only orgasm from clitoral stimulation and some women only reach orgasm with the help of a toy (and the list goes on!). So, boys we are certainly not saying that you are not skilled, but perhaps introducing a toy to the bedroom could enhance and heighten playtime together, making it even better, or creating an orgasm-enhancing situation which is always a win!

They say behind every great man is a great women, well flip it and reverse it, and I say behind every great women is a great man (with a vibrator-wink!).

JD- Lelo Smart Wand

Armed with the right toys you can transform yourself into a Super Hero of the bedroom. I mean could you imagine Johnny Depp armed with the LELO Smart Wand? That makes me double weak in the knees and is definitely the equation for a Bedroom Super Hero. They always say dress the part, so boys why not accessorize with the right toys and your birthday suit and play Super Hero for a night.

So, instead of eying down that vibrator as your arch-nemesis why not turn foe to friend and make that toy your wing-man! Remember every superhero has a side-kick.

Australia’s Sexual Stylist – The Original & The Best at Max Black

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

A Max Black Sexual Stylist session is all about creating a more confident, vibrant and happy you. Our sex lives are so important to our everyday well being, and at various stages in our lives, this part of our life can become neglected. Before you know it you may not have the confidence you once did – or perhaps you want to discover the pleasure you always heard about….

You turn to Rachel Zoe for fashion inspiration, Donna Hay for cuisine; Napoleon for makeup styling and Donatella for home décor… but what of your sex life?  Welcome to Max Black, where Australia’s first and only Sexual Stylist, Heidi Zuegn is changing the sex lives of Australian women.

She’s an expert at helping you add that special something to your sex life, and together with the team at Max Black, we’ll help you to have renewed confidence, understanding and inspiration in the bedroom. Our team has been helping women have more fulfilling and nurturing sex lives for the over 7 years, so we know how to make a difference!

It all starts by making a time for a complimentary consultation with Heidi herself. Your time with her starts in Max Black’s Velvet Lounge, a private, comfortable and soft space that was purpose built for the many workshops and special events that happen at MB through the year. Heidi will ask you what your personal goals are for your sensual life, including what you want to explore, what has interested you before and what you might want to achieve if  you’re a couple, so that she can determine what will work for you.

Heidi can then advise you on everything from basic anatomy and function (sex education 101 – sometimes so important) to which toys and romance items will help you to get toward your sex life aims. You might find yourself talking to her about enhancing self-confidence, or how diet ad exercise can affect your sex life, or even ways to create the time and space to enjoy sex with your partner.

Heidi also loves latex and burlesque fashion, and Max Black has two beautiful rooms devoted just to that. If you want to explore dressing up she takes great delight in helping you to create a look that makes you feel and look fantastic.

Together with advice on putting together a great toybox with products that will best suit you, techniques and tips for their use, and even book recommendations, having a sexual stylist session can result in a fantastic sexual makeover! And if you need referrals to workshops,  a sex therapist or other health professional, Max Black can help there too.

If you’re interested in having a complimentary sexual styling consultation with Heidi Zuegn, or organising an interview, please get in touch with us by calling 02 9557 0122 or emailing us at

Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

Available as a podcast: download here!

I’ve been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m asked whether it’s good for people’s sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that or not…” in which case it could be worth exploring, if you’re brave enough!

3. Spice Up Your Sex Play

Reading erotica aloud to each other is very sexy and can be part of your beforeplay – or turn it into a game where you try to distract the reader, as part of your foreplay…

More importantly, reading erotica alone or together will give you insights into what you and your partner like. Then you can experiment with adding elements to your own sex play. The stories might be more extreme than you necessarily would be comfortable with, so ask yourself how you could add milder elements to your own life. If, for example, you liked the voyeuristic elements of a story about a couple being watched while they have sex, perhaps you could have sex by an open window or on a balcony. If a story about bondage turns you on, you can always play with stockings and scarves from your own cupboard for a less scary experience, or purchase feathered handcuffs or silken rope for a sensual bondage experience.

You could explore this further by writing some erotica together: you write a paragraph, then your partner writes the next, then you the next, and so on… See what interesting places that takes you to!

There’s plenty of very good erotica around these days. Good book stores have an erotica section. Some adult shops sell erotica – Maxxx Black has a particularly fine range.

Just on the topic of erotica, I pen a pretty good story myself, and am putting the finishing touches to my next book on Female Sexual Archetypes. It contains 44 erotic vignettes to illustrate the concepts, and will be the world’s first book in the brand new genre of Therapeutic Erotica. I’m very excited about this!

That’ll be a fourth reason to read erotica!


Jacqueline is available for private sessions. Book in with her for private sessions or attend Tantra Fusion Workshops to explore your eroticism.

Advice: Heat things up with temperature play!

Friday, June 22nd, 2012

It might be cold outside, but that only gives us lots of reasons to play more indoors. Here at MaXXX we find that this time of year has lots of couples buying up big on things like massage oils and candles, specialty lubricants and little tips and tricks to extend fun in the bedroom on long cold nights.

Besides a little slap and tickle, or perhaps a bit of light bondage, there is one area of play you may have not explored before – temperature play.

Temperature changes stimulate and excite nerves. When outside influences stay the same, your nerves relax and can become desensitised — they know what’s coming, nothing is changing, so they go to low power. If you stimulate the nerves by changing temperature, they stay awakeand, therefore, increase the power of your sexual play.

By experimenting with different degrees of touch and temperature, you will expose your body to a variety of thrilling physical reactions that you haven’t felt before. These diverse sensations dramatically increase arousal, heighten skin sensitivity, and release pleasure-fueling endorphins.”


Why it works:Adding heat to the right spots on your lover’s bod will actually boost their sensitivity to touch. Applying warmth raises thermal temperature, causing  blood flow to increase, which, in turn, makes skin more receptive to stimulation.  And a little heat goes a long way.Mind-blowing moves: Fire up your sack sessions by breathing new life into foreplay…literally. When you blow on their skin, your warm breath creates a change in temperature, which heightens arousal,” says Stella Resnick, PhD, author of The Pleasure Zone. Simply let your parted lips linger over the more sensitive spots, like their stomach, ears or neck, and gently exhale. Juliana, 23, swears this technique is not all hot air. “My guy actually quivers whenever I blow on his earlobes and nipples while we’re fooling around,” she says. “He always tells me he gets such a rush when I do that.”

If you want to bring your partner to the boiling point, try this hot-water trick. Put a warm — not scalding — cup of H2O by the bed. Before you go down, take a sip to get your mouth nice and toasty, and swallow. Then take another small sip, but this time hold on to the liquid as you take them in your mouth, swish the water around for a few seconds and then swallow. If any of it spills , just lick it off; we promise, your lover won’t mind one little bit.

Besides special lubricants that can heat up and cool down you can also try using massage candles for some safe hot wax play. Unlike traditional candles, massage candles (like those from LELO, right) are usually made from soy wax, and are designed to melt the wax so that it’s warm enough to pour and spread, but not so hot that it will burn or mark.

Use it for massage or to tease your partner with a drop or two from a height – either way you’ll both be a little ‘hotter’.

TIP: Pour some of the wax into a plastic baster and microwave for a few seconds. Then you cna use the  baster to drop little beads of hot wax onto their body, spell out naughty words or create a trail for your partner to follow on your body. (is just as much fun with some massage oil hated up).
Hotter Than Hot: If all of this sounds fun, but not quite enough, then turn your naughty thoughts to the world of adult toys – and especially the ones that can fit into your temperature play fantasies.
Glass: Glass dildos, dilettes and plugs have been around for decades. But only in the last 5 years or so have they truly become gorgeous play things. Made from super-strong materials, and often infused with precious metals for lustrous colour, a glass piece can be mildly heated and cooled simply with a glass of water bu the bed.
Metal: Think shiny. Really shiny. Hand-polished stainless steel, gold and silver sex toys are all in-vogue at the moment. Super-safe, easily cleaned, but more importantly – metal toys (steel especially) will hold their heat for even longer than glass. So you have even more time to figure out the best place to play with them. Just like glass, there is a toy for pretty much everyone, from petite beads to the incredible Njoy Eleven.
To see more of MaXXX Black’s romance and intimacy products check out the latest gift guide at

The Sex Coach: Your Sexual Makeover

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011

Can you makeover your sex life? Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about!

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and set about changing that. Many people simply accept their ‘lot’ in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: ‘I’m too old’, ‘I’m too poor’, ‘I’m too whatever’. Other people realise that we create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any makeover. As I keep repeating, we are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our wellbeing.  So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex!

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other ‘stuff’ before they address sex. No, no, no, I say! Sex is at the base! So start at the base! Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

This is one of the things I love about sex. Once you really start looking at your sexuality and working on your sex life, everything changes. It can’t help but change. It’s potent stuff.

So how do you go about a sexual makeover? As with any makeover:

  • Firstly, by acknowledging that you need to do it.
  • Secondly, by believing that it’s possible.
  • Thirdly, clarifying your desired outcome.
  • Fourthly, getting the advice/support/inspiration you need.
  • Fifthly, doing it!

It’s up to you to take the first step.

From then on I can help:

So much of what I do is dispelling the myths around sex that hold us back. Anyone can improve their sex life if they choose to.  So I can help you believe it’s possible.

Most people have no idea or our human sexual potential. There’s so little information around about what sex is, why it exists, how it helps us, how it can manifest. Most of the west seems to be milling around primary school level, when there’s veritable post-graduate possibilities out there! I can fill you on that too.

Clearly I can help with the fourth step. Whether it’s private coaching and therapy, attending a workshop, or reading these blog posts, there’s bucket-loads of advice/support/inspiration to be had. And of course, not just by me, there’s an increasing amount of sex-positive information and services available these days.

Then once again, it’s up to you to do the fifth step. You can have all the guidance and support in the world – you’re the only one who can do it.

Transform your sex life – transform your life – transform the world!

(Seriously, imagine if everyone in the world made over their sex lives and were having great sex, how much happier would this planet be!)

Advice: Feeling Sexy When Pregnant

Saturday, May 14th, 2011

While a mother-to-be can take great pride in her budding form, feeling sexy in it can be another matter entirely. With pregnancy one of the most sensual times in a woman’s life, its becomes a peak time to cultivate feelings of sexiness that can invite more action at a critical point in a relationship. With sexual activity during pregnancy very much predicting just how well couples will do together post-birth, staying sexy and intimate is very important to the family in the long-term. Thankfully, there are plenty of ways for an expectant mum to feel like one hot mama with every trimester.

Don’t let the urge to purge define your sexy feelings over the long term.
Admittedly, sexy feelings can escape some moms in favor of good old morning sickness. While praying to the porcelain god may seem to quelch your hopes for an arduous affair with anything other than your toilet bowl, it is possible to maintain some sense of sensuality even in the pangs of nausea by focusing on the process and the feelings one at a time, breathing through them and using them as tools to get in tune with your body’s internal workings.

Decrease the severity of your morning sickness by eating plain, dry crackers and other simple, easy-to-digest foods, drinking fluids between snacks, and consuming foods and drinks with ginger root, like ginger tea or candy.

Don’t resign yourself to sarmassophobia or malaxophia – a fear of love play.
If you secretly long for sex and frequently forego the urge simply because it seems tiresome, you may want to delve a little more deeply. If you’re opting out, but still feeling deprived of intimate touch, contact and sex, failing to find out why will leave you feeling insecure isolated and worse about yourself and your sex life.

Sleep as much as your body demands.
Hormonal fluctuations and other physical and mental issues can take a toll on the hottest mammas. So get your beauty sleep!

Get yourself a bellymask.
This plaster gauze sculpture is a recreation of your pregnant torso. Available through, these heirlooms will be a powerful reminder and celebration of your role in the circle of life, and will make for a perfect gift for your newborn one day.

Go commando.
Shun panties, wear skirts, and go crotchless, especially if your vulva is all hot’n’bothered from increased blood flow to the pelvic region. This may also help keep you from chafing against the crotch of your pants or panties.

Practice Dhurga breathing.
This advanced technique can be helpful in regaining control and calm during emotionally trying times. Always remember to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the room to cry when you really need to, but don’t get lost there. You can get sucked into the ‘poor me’ routine faster than you might imagine and that’s certainly going to do nothing for your sex life or hot mamma mode. Caving to these impulses has the potential to possibly foil some tender moments with your lover later, so it’s important to have a quick and easy way to reground and take control of yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up for plowing through that tubs of Ben & Jerry’s or bag of Doritos.
Don’t forget, curvy is hot. Then work it off with an extra long session in the boudoir!

Practice sexy preggy mantras.
Feeling great about your pregnant body is probably the most important part of staying sexy during pregnancy. Celebrate the life you’re carrying, reveling in the thrill of it. Your body is a miraculous mechanism of life-giving energy blossoming into the earthy, maternal energy so magnetic that others may actually stop to do a double take.

Be patient with your third trimester sexual response.
Vaginal contractions during T3 sex are likely to be weaker, thereby lowering your sexual response cycle and making orgasm more difficult, if not impossible to attain during sex play. Complicating issues further, orgasmic uterine contractions have the potential to be discomforting and aggravating rather than pleasurable for women in T3. Be accepting of your response, and know that you’ll be back to your old sexual self in just a few weeks’ time!

Don’t give into notions that preggie isn’t sexy!
With sexual response enhanced for many, this is your time to test untried thought processes and maneuvers. Challenge yourself to think outside of the oft too-tight box into which society forces woman with child. Your ability to be sexy comes down to how YOU choose to see your pregnancy and express your sensuality – and nobody else.

Overall, be sure to maintain a healthy diet and a self-care routine, which includes exercise, massage, meditation, yoga, and pampering. This is a time when you can get in tune with your earthy nature as never before and these activities will help you to tap your core.

Finally, splurge on some outfits that help you to feel sensual and sexy. Women will often feel guilty about such purchases, but the financial costs outweigh the emotional price of not splurging.

Author: Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright PhD for bettersexnetwork.

Advice: Kegels for Everyone

Sunday, May 1st, 2011

Kegels, or PC muscle exercises, are the easiest way to ensure and maintain your sexual health.And it’s not just for women!

Strengthening your pubococcygeus muscle (your pelvic floor muscle) makes for more intense orgasms, increased sexual control, better urinary control, and for men it leads to firmer erections and better prostate tone.

In fact the majority of women and men who do PC muscle exercises regularly report a noticeable difference in control, pleasure and responsiveness within just two weeks of starting a regular workout program for their kegels.

There is so much benefit to these daily exercises and no excuses not to do the repetitions. We’ll take you step by step through two different routines.

First let’s find the PC muscle.

Men's Pelvic Floor Muscle

The PC muscle is a big muscle band that is shaped like a V. It goes from the coccyx, or tailbone, over to the pubic bone and surrounds the anus and genitals, helping support the organs. As you tighten the PC muscle, depending on your sex, the vagina contracts or the penis moves up and down.

The easiest way to locate your muscle is while you are peeing, stop the urine. The muscle you are using to stop is your PC muscle. It’s these contractions, the tightening, which are Kegels. Isolate that feeling; create a physical memory, and release. Now clench your sphincter muscle and release. Notice the difference between the two muscles.

PC Muscles - Women

Many men and women have over exercised (constantly clenched) sphincter muscles. This often leads to hemorrhoids. Learning to tone the muscles in turn allows you to learn to relax them, which again is great for your overall sexual health and well being.

Now, Let’s Exercise!

Easy Kegel Exercise:
Sitting in a chair relax
Take a cleansing breath and breathe out.
As you breathe in your next breath flex your muscles and hold for two seconds.
Breathe out and release for two seconds.
Repeat ten sets.Start doing these sets 3 times a day. Ideally you want to build to a routine of 10 times a day. And remember relaxing is just as important as working out.
Advanced Kegels Exercise:
Take a cleansing breath and breathe out.
With relaxed PC muscles imagine yourself in an elevator on the first floor.
Envision going to the second floor and tighten your PC muscle holding for 4 seconds.
Breathe don’t hold your breath.
Envision moving to the third floor and again holding for 4 seconds. Remember to breathe.
Envision moving on to the fourth floor at the top of the building and again hold 4 seconds.
Go down the elevator back to the third floor and hold for 4 seconds. Breathe
Go down the elevator back to the second floor and hold for 4 seconds. Breathe
Go down to the first floor and relax 4 seconds. Take another cleansing breath.
As you release your breath go down to the basement, actively releasing your muscle for 4 seconds.
And then come back to the first floor again.This is a very intense work out. You’re learning fine control; control that will allow you to manage the peaks of your orgasms; to build them up over and over multiple times and/ or to restrain yourself from ejaculating too soon.

For Men:
The position you are in when your pubococcygeus muscle is in that basement is healthy for not just hemorrhoids, but also inflammation of the prostate (which occurs in 40% of the US male population). When the prostate is enlarged it presses on the PC muscles and the urinary tract. Your instinctual reaction is to tighten up, which in turn presses harder on the prostate. Teaching yourself to relax will mean you don’t need muscle blockers to relieve the pressure from an enlarged prostate, and may help as a preventative measure actually making certain the enlargement never happens.
For Women:
For ladies who have been trying to squirt, female ejaculate, that basement position is the position you need to be in to release the prostiatic fluid. Often after orgasm women have prostate specific antigens in their urine— which is because most women don’t use the PC muscles to push out the fluid but instead retrograde ejaculate into their bladder.

Older women who haven’t had sex in a while should keep the juices flowing and the vaginal walls elastic by doing Kegels with kegal balls. there are literally hundreds of these ball toys out there that can help you. Here at MaXXX Black we stock the wonderful LELO Luna Ball training system as well as the fun and practical Smartballs by Fun Factory.

Kegels are such an easy exercise. Isn’t it time you put them into your daily routine?

Advice: Love, Lust & The Male Body

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

The male body is beautiful and full of wonderful surprises. But we tend to focus on his penis and let so many other elements of his anatomy (and sexual response) slip past us.  It’s important to explore his body every now and then in ways that don’t focus on his penis and penetration. That goes as much for boys as it does for girls too, as quite often we see men in store who haven’t really explored themselves beyond traditional penis-centric sexual expression.

So what do you do?

Start with a little massage and touch. Gather up supplies, like silicone lube, massage products, and maybe a blindfold. If you don’t have a blindfold, just use your thigh high stocking or a necktie. Blind folding your lover while mapping their body for signs of sexual response can really help your lover relax and give in to sensation in new ways. By removing the visual component, which us men are sometimes too reliant upon for stimulation, you allow him to concentrate on the physical. His physical, and what you’re doing to it.

Your main tools however will be your breath, lips, fingers and hands. Give yourselves 30 minutes of pure touch and tease before you even get to the region around his penis. Nibble on his ears, kiss his neck, and massage his muscles. If he is enjoying it, keep going. Watch for even the subtlest response like the rate of his breath and the tension in his muscles.

If he expresses reservation or flinches along the way, respect those responses as well and move on to other areas of his body. This can be a perfect lesson in learning to trust each other. You’ll also learn what kinds of flirty touches you may be able to use on him in the future, like blowing a little air on his neck while he’s reading or tucking your hand in between his thighs during dessert at the restaurant!

As you move on to his shaft, remember the most responsive area on his penis (for most men) is the frenulum – on the under side of his penis, where the head meets the shaft. That’s the perfect spot to flutter your tongue or gently use a vibe against.

And then the entire underside of his shaft from head to testicles is also very responsive. The simple reason for this is that most of the day and night a man’s penis is soft and relaxed. The underside of his organ sits against his warm skin, while the top and sides of his penis and balls are rubbing against clothing and bedding. Consequently the protected nerves on the underside of his shaft and head are closer to the surface of his skin and more sensitive to touch.

Moving on down the shaft, I have to ask if you have you ever held a guys balls and sort of cupped them and pushed them up into his body? If you ask him why he likes it he will say something like, “I don’t know. Just keep doing it!” That’s because there is also more erectile tissue in his body than meets the eye.

The average man’s external shaft is about five to six inches long. If he’s an average guy, he’ll have another 3 or so inches of erectile tissue that goes deeper inside his body. We call this the root of the penis. One way to stimulate this deeper erectile tissue is by cupping his balls and pushing them up into his body, as the root is directly on the other side of his testicles. This subtle cupping action will bring a great response because the root of the penis is more sensitive than his shaft.

If he’s fully erect, you can walk your fingers back a little bit, just behind his testicles but before you reach his sphincter, and you can feel end of the root of the penis at his perineum. There are also eight muscles that come together at this point to create his pelvic platform, making this area profoundly responsive to touch for many men.

Keep in mind that some guys will get a little shy as you get close to their butthole. If your guy tenses up and expresses fear as your fingers move in this direction, take him seriously. Leave your hand right where it is, but stop any movement. You might want to say to him, “I promise not to touch your butt.” And then don’t touch his butt! Let him learn to trust you.

If he is relaxed in your hand, use the pad of two or three fingers to give him a gentle circular massage. You might try pushing up into his body a little with your finger pads as well. This perineum massage will, in turn, put pressure on his prostate from the outside of his body. Depending upon how close he is to orgasm, this may take him right over the edge.

For more information on his incredible body, male orgasms and how to get most out of him, I highly recommend reading The Multi Orgasmic Man. For some tips and tricks that focus just on his member and the surrounding areas, I suggest Dr Sadie Allison’s wonderful Tickle His Pickle.

Jacqueline Hellyer: Your Bedroom, Your Sanctuary

Sunday, March 27th, 2011

What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world? When you walk into your bedroom, do you go ‘aah’ and smile because you feel more restful just being there? Is your bedroom a sanctuary you can chill out together in?

If you answered ‘yes’ to these questions – well done! Your bedroom is as it should be, and because of this you probably find that sex is something you can transition into fairly easily.

If it’s not, then it’s redecorating time! Think about colours and textures, music and lighting. Ban all technology except for your music player. Remove family photos other than happy romantic ones of yourselves. And keep it tidy.

Now it will feel like a sanctuary. You’ll be able to walk across the threshold of your bedroom and leave the cares the world behind, entering into a peaceful place where you can wind down and chill out together.

Yes, chill out together.

I find that too many people only use their bedroom for sleep and sex, they don’t go to the bedroom unless they’re planning one or both of those activities. Then it can get a bit awkward about how to move into some sexual activity. Or they wait until they’re already under the covers, and by then one of both of them really can’t be bothered, they’d rather sleep! (I include myself in that category, once I’m under the covers – it’s sleep time!)

I encourage you to start using your bedroom as a place of mutual chill-out and connection. Take a cup of tea or glass of wine up there and sit on your bed and just chat. Play good music, have the lighting set at a relaxing level. Lounge on the pillows. Massage each other’s feet as you chat. Whatever. Then you will probably find it’s easier to transition into some sensual touch, kissing, sensual undressing, and voila – you’re making love!

This approach to ‘getting to sex’ works. If one or both of you are having trouble initiating or getting going. It may be that you’re not leading up to it well. I’ve been talking about the importance of ‘beforeplay’ lately, this is taking the beforeplay into the bedroom, which makes the transition to foreplay easier and more natural.

Or not. It’s not just a way to get sex happening. More importantly, it’s a way to get the two of you bonding and connecting in an intimate way. It’s important that you learn to hang out in this way without it necessarily leading to sex, so there’s no pressure (on the lower desire person) or expectation (on the higher desire person). Having this easy connection between you, with open communication, is how you will have both the desire for sex, the ability to communicate where you’re at in relation to sex, and the time and space to create and consummate that desire.

How To Give Good Phone Sex

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011

When I met my partner we were both on vacation with groups of other people. By the time we got to kiss for the first time, the trip was over.  He was on his way back to Melbourne, and I was bound for Sydney. This may have been the end of it all, except for the fact that we had successfully exchanged phone numbers.  Little did I know that this would turn into my first phone sex experience ever.

In the beginning I was nervous because I barely knew him, but we were both so into each other that eventually my prudishness flew out the window and I became an expert. Now that we’ve been together for years, we still enjoy a fun roll over the 3G when we’re apart for any length of time. Without getting too graphically specific, here are some tips to having great sex over the phone.

Be Descriptive

The most important thing to remember when you’re having sex on the phone is that your ‘lover’ can’t see you. Real sex has a big visual component which is suddenly missing from the equation. The best way to get around this challenge is to be as descriptive as possible. I’m not saying you have to bust out the dictionary, but certain key phrases will do the trick (think hot, wet, soft). Next, always be specific about your target audience – namely, him! Finish your descriptions with a reminder that it’s all because of him that you feel this way, and you wish you could be there in person to show him how much you miss his touch.


Just like anything in a relationship, communication is the key to great phone sex. Especially during  “foreplay”, keep talking. Use a sexy, sultry, almost whispery tone of voice to describe your virtual journey of exploring his body from his shoulders, across his chest and over his belly and down…you get the picture. When you get ‘down’ to the nitty-gritty, pretend you’re actually there in person and describe what you’re doing. “I’m stroking you now,” goes a lot further than, say, “If I were there, I would…” Things are getting hot and heavy now, so there’s no time to be worrying about whether or not you’re talking in the conditional future.

Bringing it Home

Pardon the euphemism, but it generally is the ultimate goal of phone sex to have a fantastic orgasm. And the great thing about long distance nookie is that you’re actually pleasuring yourself, so you not only know exactly what you like, but you also know when you’re going to reach the point of no return. You can use this to your advantage to reach the finish line together in one ecstatic collective moan. When you’re both done, you need to say the same things you would say if you were actually in bed together, about how much you enjoyed it, and that you’re imagining putting your head on his shoulder and falling asleep.


Whether it’s a new fling or a long distance relationship, learning how to have great phone sex works wonders for keeping you and your partner satisfied. Once you get over the initial shyness, you’ll find the words will just flow off your tongue, and in the heat of the moment, you won’t care if you sometimes talk over each other and things get a little ‘messy’. Sex is supposed to be that way!