Posts Tagged ‘hellyer’

Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

Available as a podcast: download here!

I’ve been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m asked whether it’s good for people’s sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that or not…” in which case it could be worth exploring, if you’re brave enough!

3. Spice Up Your Sex Play

Reading erotica aloud to each other is very sexy and can be part of your beforeplay – or turn it into a game where you try to distract the reader, as part of your foreplay…

More importantly, reading erotica alone or together will give you insights into what you and your partner like. Then you can experiment with adding elements to your own sex play. The stories might be more extreme than you necessarily would be comfortable with, so ask yourself how you could add milder elements to your own life. If, for example, you liked the voyeuristic elements of a story about a couple being watched while they have sex, perhaps you could have sex by an open window or on a balcony. If a story about bondage turns you on, you can always play with stockings and scarves from your own cupboard for a less scary experience, or purchase feathered handcuffs or silken rope for a sensual bondage experience.

You could explore this further by writing some erotica together: you write a paragraph, then your partner writes the next, then you the next, and so on… See what interesting places that takes you to!

There’s plenty of very good erotica around these days. Good book stores have an erotica section. Some adult shops sell erotica – Maxxx Black has a particularly fine range.

Just on the topic of erotica, I pen a pretty good story myself, and am putting the finishing touches to my next book on Female Sexual Archetypes. It contains 44 erotic vignettes to illustrate the concepts, and will be the world’s first book in the brand new genre of Therapeutic Erotica. I’m very excited about this!

That’ll be a fourth reason to read erotica!

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Jacqueline is available for private sessions. Book in with her for private sessions or attend Tantra Fusion Workshops to explore your eroticism.

Jacqueline Hellyer: 3rd Level Love-Making

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Available as a podcast: download here!
There’s a wise old saying about spiritual and personal growth: first there is the mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is the mountain again.
What this means is that you have normality, then that disappears while you grow and experience the opposite, and then it comes back again as you integrate the two. But it’s not the same reality, it might look the same but the experience of it is quite different.

If we’re talking about sex and intimacy, and human sexual potential, then the process is the same.

At first we do standard sex, which generally means focusing on the physical, generally in our heads. You’ll have heard me describe this in various ways: the performance model of sex, the adolescent male masterbatory model of sex. This is level one sex, where you focus on the ‘peaks’ of sex, the ‘bigger-harder-faster’. Level one sex is about technique, sexual excitation and explosive orgasms. This is the mountain you start with.

Then you realise that this type of sex is not entirely satisfying, there has to be more. So you start to explore a deeper approach to sex. You may find that you are attracted to Tantra, with its mindful approach to love-making. You find yourselves slowing down, taking time to connect and to build eroticism. This is level two love-making. This is where you become aware of the ‘valleys’ of sex, where the sensual and subtle create feelings of ecstacy. This is where the mountain disappears, sex is not what it was.

Then the mountain reappears as you combine both the peaks and valleys of sex. But these are not the same peaks you knew before you discovered the valleys. These are peaks of sexual intensity that come with great presence and connection. You swing between the peaks of sexual intensity and the valleys of sexual bliss, in a flow of love-making that has no plan or expectation. This is stage three lovemaking, and it is truly awesome.

Would you like to learn more about second level love-making and even move on to third level one-making? Then book in to my Tantra Fusion Workshops, or have private sex therapy and/or Tantra sessions.

Jacqueline Hellyer: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines

Friday, March 9th, 2012
[DISCLAIMER: MaXXX Black recommends finding a sex therapist or counsellor that suits your needs, relationships and lifestyle. The views expressed by members of our Community Newtwork do not necessarily reflect the opinions of MaXXX Black]

The human body is a sexual pleasure machine, and the female body even more so than the male.
That may seem surprising if your concept of someone’s ‘level of sexuality’ is determined by their ‘level of libido’. We’re rather too libido-oriented in this society. The general belief is that sex is a response to feeling horny. Along with that belief comes the implicit assumption that the hornier you feel, the better sex will be.

Since women have bought into this model and believe that they should be horny before they have sex, given that women’s sexuality isn’t the ‘gagging-for-it’ type: they tend to give up, they don’t do what it takes to get in the mood, generally thinking that there’s something wrong with them (if they’ve got low self-esteem) or claiming they’re ‘normal’, declaring that ‘women don’t like sex’ and their parter is ‘sex-crazed’ (if they’re more assertive).
It’s true that women tend to have libidos like men. Women’s sexuality is not hormonally driven, it’s contextual. It depends so much on how a woman is feeling and what’s going on for, that determnes if she’s open and receptive to sex, not necessarily ‘horny’.

Once a women allows herself to get into the mood, and approaches sex in a more female-friendly way (ie not trying to be like a man) – wow, the places she can go! Because when it comes to the response side of sex (as opposed to the desire side) – well, women are far more superior then men!

Women can have orgasms that are more intense, more frequent and last longer than men’s. On top of the standard clitoral orgasm, which is similar in physiology and feel to the male ejaculatory orgasm, women can have orgasms through vaginal stimulation, g-spot (actually the urethral sponge) stimulation, AFE-spot stimulation, cervical stimulation, anal stimulation, nipple stimulation, in fact, from virtually any part of their body, and even without physical touch (either by being in the presence of a man who’s very present in his masculinity, or by bringing yourself to orgasm through breath and visualisation). Women can have multiple orgasms, wet orgasms (more commonly known by the dreadful male-centric term: female ejaculation), full body orgasms, and can stay in ecstatic states of arousal for very long periods of time.

Unfortuantely, most people don’t even realise what women’s sexual potential is. After a few decades of wondering why women are so sexual dysfunctional because they don’t function sexually like men, Western scientific research is only now starting to acknowledge that women’s sexuality is different. But it’s still way off realising just how wonderfully different women’s sexuality is.

Fortunately some people (like me!) are exploring beyond the boring limits of conventional models of sex in the West, taking on board the wisdom of older sexual traditions, such as the Tantric and Taoist, and doing a lot of personal research: I know all this is possible because I experience it.

When women realise it’s possible, they can start to experience it. When women have sexual responses like this, when they go to heaven, they take their man their with them. There is nothing a man likes more than to give his women this level of sexual pleasure. It satisfies him to his very core. It makes him feel like a Real Man. He may not be able to experience the level of feeling that she can, but he can feel fantastic for getting her there.

Female sexual response is extraordinary. It takes a while to get there, but like all good things, it takes time. The more time and attention you pay to something, generally the better the outcome.

Throw away the limiting beliefs, expand your possibilities to so much more – open yourself up to your glorious potential!

To learn more about becoming more fully into your feminine and being able to soften and open up in this way, I recommend you attend my Tantra Fusion workshops.

Or book in for private Tantra instruction and sex therapy.

Jacqueline Hellyer: Awaken Your Vagina

Saturday, January 14th, 2012

{editor – this article will be most helpful for heterosexual couples, though we think every woman will enjoy it}

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Would you like your vagina to be exquisitely sensitive, alive to nuance and sensation and responsive to ecstatic subtleties?

Then you need to wake up your vagina!

Unfortunately our focus in this society on the harder side of sex, the ‘peaks’ rather than the ‘valleys’ of sex, means that many women have energetically ‘hardened their vaginas. The focus on the ‘bigger, harder, faster’, rather than the ‘slower, softer, subtler’, means that women have lost the ability to sense subtlety and softness through the walls of their vaginas. If you can’t feel in your vagina then you either need increasingly more intense stimulation, or you forget about the vagina and focus on the clitoris as your primary sexual organ, (which is fine, but limited) – or you give up on sex altogether because it just doesn’t feel like much.

When your vagina is awake though, it becomes so sensitive in the most delightful of ways! It becomes highly receptive and attuned to subtle energies and exquisite variations of sensation.

This is very different to the intense thrusting most of us view as good sex (although as I always stress, I’ve got nothing against a good shag, just that it’s only one aspect of good sex!).

To wake your vagina up, you need to spend time being purely receptive. The easiest way to do this is to have some lovely non-genital foreplay (especially kissing) with your partner so you’re feeling connected and yummy together. Then you lie back and relax and allow him to touch your body and your genitals, gently, tenderly and softly. Then when you really want to invite him inside you, only then you allow his penis in.

Have a sense of ‘enveloping’ his penis, feeling that you are embracing it with your vagina. Although you are receptive, you are not passive, energetically your vagina is awake and attuned.

With his penis fully inside you, really feel it. Let him hold it still for a while, even for some minutes, then move very slowly and gently. (If he’s having trouble being so slow himself, practice wtih you on top first, barely moving, then moving in slow little circles around and around.) Relax and breathe to your belly. Feel what it’s like with and without eye contact. Try some gentle contractions with your vagina, giving his penis a gentle massage with the walls of your vagina. Notice how different parts of your vagina feel.

Then slowly build up to stronger thrusts, all the while being aware of how your vagina is feeling and responding.

For those of us more used to a unisex approach to sex, where you’re both ‘giving’ to each other, rather than allowing one or the other to purely ‘receive’, then this approach might seem one-sided. Once you get used to it and have woken up your vagina, then you’ll understand why you need to approach it this way. The amazing sensations, and the orgasmic spaces you can go to with an awakened vagina engaging in ‘valley’ style sex, are just wonderful!

To learn more about becoming more fully into your feminine and being able to soften and open up in this way, I recommend you attend my women’s Tantra Fusion workshop Luscious Woman.

And I and my partner Oscar are available for private Tantra instruction and sex therapy.

Jacqueline Hellyer: A History of Sexual Misinformation

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

Why is our society so sexually screwed-up? Basically, it’s because we’ve had two to three thousand years of sexual suppression.

During these millennia two very damaging myths have been held as truths in western society:

1) That sex is a base, animalistic activity, in opposition to spiritual and ‘higher’ human endeavours; and
2) That men are innately more sexual than women.

These myths have been so strong for so long, that they are still very much part of our communal psyche. It’s only in the last few decades that society has begun to shift on these myths, which is a relatively short time compared to how long those myths have been there, so progress on change is slow.

The first myth, that sex is a base activity not a higher activity, has meant that sex has not been studied properly, has not been taught to our young people, has not been a topic of open discussion, and has not been considered a part of life that should be developed and enhanced.

This means that society’s knowledge of sex is very limited, and we are nowhere near achieving anything like our sexual potentials, nor using sex in the positive way to enhance our lives as we could.

The second myth, that men are more sexual than women, has meant that there has been an imbalance between the masculine and feminine principles in society. We’ve had a dysfunctional masculine – overly dominant and aggressive, and a dysfunctional feminine – overly weak and dependant. When the two principles are out of whack like this, there is no balance and harmony. Without a balance of equally strong masculine and feminine, the masculine goes out of control and the feminine is useless.

Sexually, this means there has not been a focus on what men and women need sexually, how they function differently yet complementarily, and how their coming together creates magic. Instead we’ve had a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. Women have been expected to ‘service’ their men’s ‘needs’: the classic ‘lie back and think of England’ scenario.

When you combine those two myths, you end up with a society that has no idea about the beauty and benefits of sex; and individuals within it who have no idea of their potential and what they can do with their sexuality. You have an overly aggressive society that is full of dissatisfied people, both men and women.

Sound familiar?

For greater understanding, empowerment and connection, please attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops, or see me for private sessions.

The Sex Coach: Become A Sexual Explorer!

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.

Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:

Touch your partner with items of different texture and temperature. Try a feather, a piece of silk, a body brush, a loofah. Try things that have been heated or cooled, such as warm oil or ice-blocks. Use everyday items: the end of a belt, a scarf, a fork, the back of a spoon… The possibilities are endless.

Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receivers hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).
Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gerkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)

Arouse the olfactory: have scented candles or an oil burner in the room; wave perfume or essential oils or fresh herbs under their nose (and run the latter over their body)

Have music playing, and vary the types of music, noting the difference on how it affects your love-making and sensory play. Try putting headphones on one person while the other does delicious things to their body. Bang bongoes together, play a Tibetan singing bowl, tuning forks, rub the rim of a crystal glass or create some other interesting sounds.

And sight, the main sense. Try simply looking at each other, holding the gaze for a number of minutes. Have one look at the other, just simply looking – this can be initially confronting for the receiver, but can become highly erotic and arousing. Do a slow undress or striptease, model lingerie or do a simple yet sensual dance for your partner.

Then combine all the elements in various ways. This is wonderful play that arouses and pleasures without even having to involve the genitals. The possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination.

So go forth and play! Become sensual explorers and experiment with sensation and the senses to take yourselves to new places of eroticism and sensuality…

To experience more, I suggest you attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops. And for the ultimate experience for sensual explorers, attend “In the Realm of Enchantment” a couple’s Tantra Fusion retreat in Dalat, Vietnam, next June.

The Sex Coach: Allow Some Self-Indulgence!

Friday, November 11th, 2011

One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.

I’m going to speak directly to the ladies here, because the women are the ones who have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.

Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.

Now there are some ‘princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually.

Sex as letting go, opening up, being real, actually requires you to allow for self-indulgence. As a woman it requires you to yield to your partner, to allow him to pleasure you and take you places of delicious wonder and ecstacy.

Men love to pleasure their woman. They love to take their partner to wonderful places. Men tell me over and over and over again how the best thing about sex is giving their partner pleasure, that there’s nothing better than seeing her in the throes of sexual pleasure.

Yet so many women hold themselves back from experiencing this pleasure. So many women hold back from allowing themselves the indulgence of letting him give them that pleasure.

Which is such a shame! Because this is what it takes. This is what Tantra is about. A woman allows her partner to pleasure her, she allows him to be a man, she allows herself to be a woman and surrender to delicious pleasure. The more she lets herself go in this way, the more pleasure there is for her, and therefore the more pleasure there is for him.

This is a completely different approach to the more common, ‘sex as duty’ or ‘sex as stress relief’ or ‘sex as performance’ approaches to sex that we have in society. This is ‘sex as letting go’, ‘sex as indulgence and heightened states of ecstasy’. This is truly good loving.

If as a woman you have trouble letting go to this extent, if you can’t allow yourself this indulgence, ask yourself why. Is it that you have blocks to pleasure? Is it that you have false beliefs about the purpose of sex? Are you buying into false beliefs about the roles of men and women in sex? Do you not really trust your partner enough? Do you not trust yourself enough?

If you do want to open up more to self-indulgence and allow for sexual pleasure, then please come and see me for private sessions, or attend my women’s workshop, Luscious Woman.

We’ll get you indulging again. You deserve it!

New Products: Jacqueline Hellyer’s Books Now In-Store

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

Jacqueline Hellyer, more fondly known as The Sex Coach, has two amazing books out – and we have them right here!

Jacqueline is one of Australia’s foremost experts on sex and sexuality. In addition to her private clinical practice, she is the “I’m the Sex Coach” for Men’s Health and Women’s Health magazines; a published author with a growing web presence and she runs the Tantric Fusion workshops amongst many others right here in Sydney.

We love that her articles (and she is our featured therapist) appear on our blog, and her advice and wisdom has helped so many of our clients and friends achieve great sex.

So when Jacqueline let us know she has some books out, we couldn’t wait to get them in. There are so few Australian authors on the subject of sex, and as always Jacqueline’s words are not only useful, they’re timely, fun, and ultimately satisfying.

So what are the books?

The Sex Life Survival Guide for Parents

The Sex Life Survival Guide For Parents helps you and your partner boost the richness of your relationship.

An essential read for parents-to-be and those of us who’ve had kids already. It includes

  • Tips on how to keep your energy levels up.
  • Steps to take to keep your sanity and protect your relationship.
  • Ideas on how to distract the kids.
  • Blokes’ Notes – the section just for men.

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Sex Secrets For Busy People

Sex Secrets For Busy People

Is your busy lifestyle stopping you from having really great sex?

Or has your lifestyle killed off your libido?

Finally, an answer (and from a local!). Sex Secrets for Busy People dispels the limiting beliefs that stop people from having really great sex, then shows how to replace those beliefs with empowering understanding and practical solutions to create the great sex you deserve.

To see more about these books, or to order from our online store, simply click on the images above. Happy reading!

The Sex Coach: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality

Saturday, October 29th, 2011

You might have become one of those people who have closed off from their senses, experiencing the world primarily through the mind. It’s common enough. I don’t want to downplay the importance of cerebral activity, the mental sphere is vital to engaging in life and is important in love-making too. But making love when you’re all in your head is just not on a par with making love with full sensual awareness.

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?

As you become more sensual in your love-making, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of love-making, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.

You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it.

This shift to sensuality is doubly important when you apply it to your own body image – this is a message particularly important to women. The media brainwashes us to believe that “sexy” equals the type of body that most women only have in their youth, if even then. That’s why I advocate letting go of the “sexy” stuff and embracing the sensual. “Sexy” does have this image of a perfect, young body that’s horny and lusty and ready to go. Not the way most woman generally feels.

Now consider the concept of “sensual”. It’s softer, rounder, gentler, full of depth and warmth – rather like the bodies of women! Sex between long-term lovers is like this too, less raunchy and a whole lot more loving and gorgeous (not to imply that it can’t be incredibly raunchy too, it just doesn’t have to confirm to raunchy stereotypes). It’s the type of sex you can only have with a long-term partner, and the type of sex you can only have if you appreciate your gorgeous, sensual body.

You’re not going to absorb this message from the mass media, so you’re going to have make the mind-shift yourself. Think sensual:
– think sensual in the shower: rub soap over yourself and love the softness and the roundness;
– think sensual as you move through the day: feel your hips swaying, your breasts moving (picture how full-figured African or Latin American women move, it’s poetry);
– think sensual as your partner caresses your curves;
– think sensual as you caress your own curves when you make love.

Loving your body is a challenge for most people, men as well as women, and the challenge is harder as we age and become less like the media-generated idealised image of sexy. But if you can let go of that unrealistic ideal and embrace your body for what it is in all it’s sensuous gorgeousness, you will in fact feel sexy, naturally sexy, just as you are.

Adapted from my book “The Sex Life Survival Guide for Parents: keep your love life strong when kids come along.”

The Sex Coach: Coming From A Place Of Yes!

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

I had a good chat with a woman who loves sex recently, and she said that she never refuses her husband, that she always comes from a place of “Yes!”. Apparently her mother had drilled into her that it was the best way to stay happy and connected in a marriage, and it was very good advice.

I had to agree, I too like to say “Yes!” to sex, and I’d love it if you could too.

Not in a ‘just do it’ kind of way. I want you to say “Yes!’ to sex, not “Oh, if I must” or “Ok, if you’ll shut up about it” or “well, I suppose you did vacuum the house…”.

I’m not asking you to say ‘yes’ out of a sense of obligation or duty or as a trade-off. I’m saying say ‘Yes!’ to sex because it feels good to be intimate with your partner, because you know that even if you’re not really feeling it yet, once you focus on the beforeplay and then the foreplay, chances are you’ll be having a pretty good time. Then once the deed is done and you’re both in that lovely post-nuptial state with all sorts of yummy hormones flowing through your body, making you feel loving, making you feel happy, keeping you feeling and looking young and vital – well, then you’ll be glad you said ‘Yes!’ to sex. And you’ll find it easier and easier to keep saying yes.

It doesn’t have to be a huge enthusiastic “Yes!” for very encounter, merely an openness and receptivity: a ‘yes, why not’. Then being sufficiently in tune with yourself to know how you’d like to proceed – whether that’s simply following the initiating partner’s lead, or stating that you’d like a bath first or you need to fold the washing and meet you in an hour, or whatever.

Notice that I’m not using genders here. In my practice I see at least as many couples where the man’s got the lower desire as couples where it’s the woman. The myth of ‘all men are gagging for it and the woman are holding out’ is one that really should be ditched.

Generally the higher desire partner (HDP) isn’t a sex-crazed lunatic out to use and abuse you. More likely they simply love you and want to express that love sexually. It’s hard for the HDP to deal with constant rejection.

(Of course, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to give a firm “No!” followed by serious soul-searching as to why you got yourself into such a relationship, and then seek out a respectful, loving partner to whom you can say ‘Yes!’ to.)

If you’ve got the lower desire, use your partner’s desire for you to get you in the mood. Say ‘yes’ to their advances and allow yourself to be desired, be wanted, to be adored and worshipped! Be self-indulgent about it – “Yes, here I am, take me!” (And in the process, naturally allowing yourself to return the feeling…)

Saying “Yes!” to sex is really saying “Yes!” to yourself as someone deserving of love, pleasure and adoration.

Saying “Yes!” to sex is saying “Yes!” to love, saying “Yes!” to life.

If you’re struggling with this article and the concepts in it, start slow. Start saying “ye-es…” to the possibility of “Yes!”, allow the yes to grow. To help you along, say ‘yes’ to private sessions with me, or come along to one of my workshops below. That’ll get you on the way to “Yes!”