I had a good chat with a woman who loves sex recently, and she said that she never refuses her husband, that she always comes from a place of “Yes!”. Apparently her mother had drilled into her that it was the best way to stay happy and connected in a marriage, and it was very good advice.
I had to agree, I too like to say “Yes!” to sex, and I’d love it if you could too.
Not in a ‘just do it’ kind of way. I want you to say “Yes!’ to sex, not “Oh, if I must” or “Ok, if you’ll shut up about it” or “well, I suppose you did vacuum the house…”.
I’m not asking you to say ‘yes’ out of a sense of obligation or duty or as a trade-off. I’m saying say ‘Yes!’ to sex because it feels good to be intimate with your partner, because you know that even if you’re not really feeling it yet, once you focus on the beforeplay and then the foreplay, chances are you’ll be having a pretty good time. Then once the deed is done and you’re both in that lovely post-nuptial state with all sorts of yummy hormones flowing through your body, making you feel loving, making you feel happy, keeping you feeling and looking young and vital – well, then you’ll be glad you said ‘Yes!’ to sex. And you’ll find it easier and easier to keep saying yes.
It doesn’t have to be a huge enthusiastic “Yes!” for very encounter, merely an openness and receptivity: a ‘yes, why not’. Then being sufficiently in tune with yourself to know how you’d like to proceed – whether that’s simply following the initiating partner’s lead, or stating that you’d like a bath first or you need to fold the washing and meet you in an hour, or whatever.
Notice that I’m not using genders here. In my practice I see at least as many couples where the man’s got the lower desire as couples where it’s the woman. The myth of ‘all men are gagging for it and the woman are holding out’ is one that really should be ditched.
Generally the higher desire partner (HDP) isn’t a sex-crazed lunatic out to use and abuse you. More likely they simply love you and want to express that love sexually. It’s hard for the HDP to deal with constant rejection.
(Of course, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to give a firm “No!” followed by serious soul-searching as to why you got yourself into such a relationship, and then seek out a respectful, loving partner to whom you can say ‘Yes!’ to.)
If you’ve got the lower desire, use your partner’s desire for you to get you in the mood. Say ‘yes’ to their advances and allow yourself to be desired, be wanted, to be adored and worshipped! Be self-indulgent about it – “Yes, here I am, take me!” (And in the process, naturally allowing yourself to return the feeling…)
Saying “Yes!” to sex is really saying “Yes!” to yourself as someone deserving of love, pleasure and adoration.
Saying “Yes!” to sex is saying “Yes!” to love, saying “Yes!” to life.
If you’re struggling with this article and the concepts in it, start slow. Start saying “ye-es…” to the possibility of “Yes!”, allow the yes to grow. To help you along, say ‘yes’ to private sessions with me, or come along to one of my workshops below. That’ll get you on the way to “Yes!”